Maryam (not real name) got the shock of her life in September 2016. Her husband of three years woke her up from sleep around 5 am one Saturday while she was still dreaming and snoring and coldly told her he was getting a divorce. The news almost caused her a heart attack.
Kola (not real name), an Information Technology specialist with a multinational company in Lekki, Lagos, accused Maryam of bewitching him to marry her, saying he was in love with another woman before the marriage.
“I couldn’t believe my ears and eyes. I thought he was joking, but after I was fully awake, I looked into his eyes and realised he meant what he was saying,” Maryam said during an interview with our correspondent.
She said, “He accused me of witchcraft, greed and other things. I couldn’t stop crying. This is a man who I devoted three years of my life to. He said he loved another lady who was abroad at the time. It was later I found out that the lady was back in Nigeria and they had been communicating many months prior to our breakup. I cried and cried and even asked family and friends to intervene, but his mind was made up.
“I had to let him go eventually. Thankfully, I had no child for him. Though, if I had, I would still have gone my way but it would have regrettably forced me to still have a little connection with him.”
After the breakup, Maryam said she decided to have a retreat in one of the “quietest” towns in the country where she thought of the next thing to do. It was then she realised she had been “careless” and not noticed the signs Kola had shown before the breakup.
In the first year of their marriage, she said they were like ‘twins.’ She was his ‘handbag,’ always hanging out and going to social events together, often wearing the same attire.
The third year of the marriage was when the enthusiasm Kola had always shown turned cold, but Maryam said: “I was too foolish I didn’t notice he didn’t love me anymore.”
According to psychologists, there are certain changes in behaviour that can indicate that the other partner wants a breakup. When this happens, it can be painful and ignite some deep-seated fears and insecurities.
Maybe you have a feeling that something is “off” with your partner or maybe you’ve noticed that the energy between you two has shifted, it’s always not a funny experience, especially when you love them so much.
According to marriage and family therapist based in San Francisco, United States, Dr Lynsie Seely, if your partner is physically with you, but you have the feeling that they are mentally or emotionally 100 miles away and you can’t quite make contact, they may be energetically closed off to you.
“We tend to close off as a defence mechanism when we don’t know how to communicate what we’re feeling but need to stay engaged in the situation,” Seely told the Huffington Post.
If you observe this happening in your relationship, try not to jump to conclusions about what’s causing the distance. Instead, it’s best to broach the subject with your partner and ask what’s been on their mind, Seely said.
“It could be that your partner is losing interest and doesn’t know how to communicate that with you,” she said. “There are other reasons your significant other may feel the need to close up, so it’s best not to assume anything.
“A compassionate conversation to explore how your partner is feeling is a good first step.”
However, besides the unsettling gut feeling, there are other indications your partner might be losing interest in you. Psychologists share some of the signs as follows:
- They stop asking questions about little things
Couples in healthy relationships take a genuine interest in each other’s lives, not just when it comes to major things, but also the smaller, everyday things. For example, a partner who is engaged in the relationship knows you have a nerve-racking work meeting on Wednesday morning and will text you at lunchtime to ask how it went. A partner who has lost interest might not remember or even care enough to ask.
“As couples ‘tune out’ of their partner or the relationship, they stop being interested in the small things happening as part of each other’s day and life,” US-based therapist, Ms Isiah McKimmie, said.
- Unusually slow in responding to texts, emails and phone calls
We all get busy and may be less responsive to texts depending on where we are, what we’re doing and how much we have on our plate on any given day. But if your once-responsive partner suddenly becomes difficult to reach, it could be a sign they’re distancing themselves.
“People can begin to pull away in subtle ways, so how responsive someone is to you may be an indicator that they are losing interest,” psychologist Gina Delucca said. “Common behavioural signs might be taking a long time to respond to text messages or phone calls. They might make excuses that they are ‘busy at work’ or ‘forgot’ to respond.”
Occasionally, these excuses may be valid and a good partner deserves the benefit of the doubt. But if delayed response times have become the new normal, it could be a red flag.
